It’s a Friday night, it’s hot like a furnace, and it’s a 4th of July weekend. I highly doubt many of you are sitting by your computer wondering what Joel is going to write on July’s first day. And that’s fine, because I’m not wondering, either. I know what I’m going to write, and I know it’s going to be pretty quick.
Back in May, I visited the dentist…oh, yay, I’m writing about the dentist on a holiday weekend. You’re probably thrilled if you’re not reading.
Normally the visit involves 45 minutes of torture, where I get to watch TV with my mouth ajar. The assistant, who came in earlier and put her broom and pointy hat in the corner, is now mumbling things like, “My husband never makes the bed…my kids never pick up their toys…my husband…”. The worst thing is she has those really sharp things in her hands and she punctuates each “never” and each “always” with a scrape across my teeth. Nurse Ratchet then finishes with a smile and says, “You should floss more.” I want to say, “You should take an anger management course”, but that slight smell of sulfur and brimstone in the air tells me it’s probably best to keep my mouth shut. Besides, it’s not like I’ll be in any condition to speak for at least another hour.
But this time, I got Nurse Relief instead. She was awesome. My appointment wasn’t all that bad, though I’ll never say I enjoyed it. It was tolerable. Maybe it had something to do with flossing, that new hobby I picked up and began doing religiously in January. But I think it was also because Ms. Relief didn’t have a devil-spawn above her manipulating the strings.
Going good so far?…yeah, I didn’t think so.
So way back in 1893, President Grover Cleveland went to the dentist. I’m pretty sure he hated it, too, because they found cancer in his mouth. Three weeks later, on July 1, 1893, the President “went on vacation”. CNN and FoxNews (or whoever ran the show back then) probably showed pictures of the yacht right there off Long Island. Of course, the vacation was just a ploy to keep people from worrying too much. Even his wife (who was pregnant at the time) didn’t know.
The President was on the boat…but so was a surgeon. And on this day in history, the surgeon removed the cancer from the President’s mouth. Of course, the operation (done through his mouth to avoid all the cutting) involved removing some of his jaw and palate, which left his face somewhat disfigured. So the news folks were fed a line about the President having a couple of rotten teeth removed, which they apparently bought. Eventually, the President was fitted with an insert-thingy (I’m a computer guy, not a doctor) that made him look normal.
Now had I been a news reporter, I would have been suspicious right away. Oral surgery is a delicate procedure…at least it better be when it’s done on my mouth. So who does tricky dentistry-type things on a boat that’s rocking in the water? I guess Nurse Ratchet was his surgeon, too.
I bet this is the where the phrase “Don’t rock the boat” got it’s start. And it’s probably why we see the right side of President Cleveland’s face on the $1000 bill.
Recommended Reading: The President is a Sick Man – Hot off the presses!